Been reading Dalrock’s blog recently, very good reads there, his articles are very thought provoking which is the point of this post. He’s been talking about romance, spinsterhood and the like recently, which has really got the wheels turning in my head. You see, on a recent post about romance, I really got to thinking about men and women and what it is that we both need and want out of life and marriage.
Why do men (read; Beta men) romance women?
In the aggregate, because by doing things which make them happy, we score points with them, points which will hopefully give us an edge on the other males vying for their attention you see. At the end of the day, we are all animals throwing sh!t on the wall, just that nowadays, we do it in suits.
I was thinking about this one episode of Dr. Phil I had seen years ago and at first I had dismissed this woman simply as a cheater (which I do not think highly of for reasons I won’t get into here) and that was that. Then I had later seen the show once more and I was flabbergasted at what happened. Now understand, this woman had cheated on her husband and left the family, not good by any stretch of the imagination, but there was some things, which had happened beforehand, which I didn’t pay attention to.
You see, this woman, her name was Shani, wanted the attention of her husband, Jason. Something women indeed crave in their marriages. Did this woman simply stamp her feet and whine; “Pay more attention to me?”
No, actually she didn’t.
Shani had decided that she didn’t want to guilt Jason’s affections, but she wanted him to legitimately want to pay more attention to her. So, she got her hands on some materials that taught her what it was that men wanted and liked from women and she then;
Sent racy pictures of herself to her husband
Offered to watch porn with him
Joined a gym
No joke…after I had learned a little more about how North American Women usually are, re-watching this episode made my jaw hit the floor. He didn’t ask her to do this…she did this of her OWN volition. C’mon, just how many women would go to all this effort in order to appease their husbands?
Then of course, the details about her life really floored me. What is the excuse that we hear so often from women who don’t do these things? That they would like to work out like Shani, but since they have careers, they don’t have the time.
She ran her own business.
Well, I guess they could find the time to put all this effort into their relationship, but kids take so much out of you and this woman obviously didn’t have any children.
Shani had not one…not two…but THREE children UNDER 10.
I want to make it perfectly clear that I don’t advocate cheating whatsoever, it isn’t a solution to problems in a relationship and the collateral damage in immense. However, let me fill you in on a little secret. During my most Beta (read; stupid) years, I learned whatever I could in order to understand women and their needs. I had even gone on a message board and read about people’s lives in turmoil and one thing popped out at me; that if you don’t MAKE the time to fulfill your partners needs, very bad things can happen. Convenience doesn’t make anything happen, you have to inconvenience yourself in order to do so!! The thing which really makes my head spin about the initial effort that Shani had put into her marriage, is that this is the SAME effort that women DEMAND from the men in their lives.
Take the time to learn about what it is that we want, as OUR wants are different from yours as a man, and this will make us happy.
I wish that where true, from what I and other men see in the media, women feel entitled to what a man gives them and therefore, they see no need to reciprocate at all. I get really hot under the collar about stuff like this because men don’t do things like take their partners out, buy them gifts, and write poems because it inherently makes them happy.
Not a chance.
They do it (if at all anymore) because of one reason and one alone…it will make the woman in their lives happy, and therefore, it will make them happy.
Yet, and this actually always makes me shake my head, one will see so many women who will never want to do anything for a man ONLY to make him happy. It’s too inconvenient. That if a woman wants to work out, she will be told NOT to do it for a man, or men, do it for themselves. I can even remember a comment on an advice columnist’s website in regards to a woman who used to dress up for her husband when they where intimate who couldn’t believe that she was doing ANYTHING for a man.
What are men told again? “I know that you don’t understand this, but taking me out, and buying me gifts, flowers, cards, shows me that you appreciate what I do for you. It makes me happy when you do.”
Right, but women are under NO obligation to reciprocate in any way shape or form. Then these women wonder why their husbands don’t want to put in very much effort anymore and scold and shame them for not doing so?
One of the things I had learned over the years, is that people seem to think that when you refuse or don’t put effort into something that your spouse finds important, that instead of scoring ‘points’ let’s say, that you only score a zero in that category. Not true. If you don’t put effort into this category let’s say, you’re not at zero, you are actually in negative numbers in terms of your relationship. Putting forth effort may get you +2 points, NOT putting in effort will score you –2 points, this is what people have to realize in terms of relationships.
One of the absolutely worst things you can do is have your spouse outline the things that you can do to rectify the situation, and then you ignore them as you got ‘too busy’ with other things. You wanna see ridiculous resentment build; just have your spouse go over and above for you and you simply take it, say “Thanks” and they go about your business, that’s a sure way to make sure that the wonderful treatment that you used to get stops, quick, fast, in a hurry as they realize that all the extra effort that they put in will not be reciprocated, but that you don’t give a damn that they are putting themselves out JUST to make YOU happy.
The thing which boggles my mind is that I understand that women are self centered, and that some would even say narcissistic, but even from a selfish point of view, if you LIKE how your hubby is treating you…why on God’s green Earth are you going to make sure that he gets the picture real quick that his efforts are pointless?
Try this little exercise on for size, I bet money that the average woman can’t name the 5 basic needs a man has to be happy in the aggregate. However, ask a man what he has to do in order to win a woman’s heart and he can tell you offhand. Something is rotten in Denmark my friends, and I personally think that if as a woman who is a wife, or girlfriend, that you shouldn’t have to do a thing to make your partner happy, then you need to shut your claptrap before you ask for a damn thing!!! Marriage is about compromise; it isn’t the ‘all about the woman show.’
I’m fully aware that there are quite a few men who don’t fulfill their wives needs, let’s be honest, men aren’t perfect, but I can tell you because I have been through it that there are many women who think that they are the cat’s meow and if the genders where reversed, the females would have a heyday pillorying this person. The reason why I’m so hard on women in this case, is that after reading all I did on how to make a woman happy, and what a spouse has to do in order to make time and fulfill their partner’s needs, I was shocked to find out that women usually fall horrifically short in the very same demands that they make on their own partners.
It’s a two way street, remember.